I can never tell
by darkmoon penguin
Summary: It's happening again, the rush, the pain, I can't breath every part of me hurts, maybe i'll lay here... just for a minute. Oh no there's Potter please don't let him see me, y do i have a bad feeling about this. He cant know, no1 can know, no1 can save me


:) ENJOY THE STORY! i hope u like it, please review, ill try to update soon

Declaimer: sadly... i know i don't own harry potter

CHAPTER 1: My Secret

This year was supposed to be perfect. The year everything came together, I would head girl, start deciding what to do with my life, the world held endless possibilities in my mind. I used to think I could go help in the fight against Voldemort, become an aruror or a mediwitch, to help those in need.

My best friend Jeanette (aka Jenny) and I would spend hours on end dreaming up outrageous stories and adventures for our future. She's been my partner in crime since first year, especially when it comes to the prat Potter. He and his friends act as if they rule the school the maraurders geez i don't see what's so high and mighty about them. Honestly! there just a bunch of arrogant snobs who think they own everything.

Jenny completely agrees with me, I think were the only girls in the entire school who aren't apart of the Potter/Black fan club... and they know it. Ever since second year when Jenny and I refused to let them copy our homework in transfiguration. Potter told me I just had to give it to him, he said he was at quidditch and didn't have time to do it, then he had the nerve to accuse me of having no house pride.

IM 10 TIMES THE BLOODY GRYFENDOR HE'LL EVER BE! I

remember turning in my seat to look at them behind me and start yelling. He and Black had no right to be bugging us because they were lazy idiots who didn't do the work and couldn't come up with a decent excuse, there WAS NO quidditch practice the night before. Despite the fact that brooms are highly overrated I had a small incident in my first year as well I LOVE QUIDDITCH. Back to Potter and Black, being 12 years old at the time someone might think me yelling my head off at them would be a hint, or blow to the ego which I was hoping for, maybe knock some sense into the boys... but no.

Some things never change, I chuckled remanicing the memory of a 12 year old Potter at a total loss for comebacks and storming out of class beet red. The laugh hurts I can feel it in my stomach my bloods still boiling from my earlier episode. I hate calling it an episode it makes me sound like a crazy person waiting to be locked up till the end of my days. No I'm not insane, haha I'm sure hundreds of people would disagree.

The train to Hogwarts just jolted, no no no my mind is screaming. Why does this have to happen right now. O god i can't breath, deep breaths I tell myself trying to calm down. Everything hurts so bad. Slowly opening my eyes I find myself looking straight into the depth's of Jenny's midnight blue ones, Her worry is obvious. I look away, its so hard keeping this from her. Maybe I could tell her, the thought had been crossing my mind over and over again during the past month. I told her I have the flew, I hate lying but for now its the best I can do. My eye lids slowly creep down again sometimes its better in the dark, its easier this way. The nauseous feeling is beginning to go away again, ill feel better in a few hours i hope. Were the only ones in the compartment and silence once again takes its turn.

"Hey lils I know it's probably the sickness that's got you down, but if its anything else you know i'll always be there for you" I hear Jenny say this from her seat across from me, a jab of guilt stabs my heart. I think my sickness has gotten her mood down, hell its got me feeling pretty down right now too. Jenny's the only person I've ever really confided in, we will always be friends but it scares me to think of what would happen if I don't begin to let go, of everyone. The compartment door slides open, It's probably the food cart, hopefully everyone thinks I'm asleep and will leave me be.

"Well, Well, Well, What do we have here, already not following orders, Evans you and I are supposed to be at the front for the heads meeting" I hear Potter sneer without looking up I already know he's got that stupid smirk on his face. I have a feeling this whole pretending to be asleep thing isn't going to work with him, he'll probably kick or something to see if Im alive then leave. Hmmmm the leaving part doesn't sound so bad, but I have enough bruises as it is. This years going to be a lot harder then I thought. I feel like it should surprise me Potter got head Boy but it doesn't, aside from his pranks and goofing of in class he gets top marks aside from me in our class's and I think he actually has a brain in there somewhere, not that I'd ever admit that to anyone.

"Jenny the Prefects meeting has already started, you should have been in the compartment 10 minutes ago" Potter barks at Jenny. I hear her swear and say a few dirty words to him, then get up and say goodbye to me, I give her a quick nod, before resting my head against the cool glass window once again.

I hear Potter sitting in the cushioned seat across from me. I wonder where all of his little lackeys are. "Wow Evans you look like shit" Some people really will never change. I know I look bad, my fiery red hair is tied loosely in a pony tale, under my eyes are dark, sleep does not come easily anymore, and my skin has lost even the slightest color it had before. i think even my freckles are beginning to fade. Breath I told myself, remembering Dumbldore told me to pretend everything is normal if I didn't want people to know.

Opening my eyes only wide enough to become a glare, I take a look at him for the first time since last year. His unruly jet black hair if possible is even crazier. You can see how built he is through the black muggle t-shirt he's wearing. The most sought after guy in the entire school, cant he go pester some other girl. I thought I saw a glimpse of worry in his eyes but it was quickly replaced, why would my arch enemy of nearly 6 years begin to care. "What no witty resort from the freakled freak evens"... I knew it was impossible.

"What does it matter to you Potter, last time I checked it seemed you were more into Blacks appearance then anyone else's, People beginning to wonder what you really do all that time by yourselves" His eyes are filling with anger, mine begin to close again, the world is spinning mustn't let him know that. He's saying something but it all sounds like mumbles. I feel him begin to take ahold of my arm. My eyes shoot open.

"GET OF ME" I yell or try too, my voice cracked, wow i sound like a frog.

"We have to go to meet McGonagall for the Heads meeting, were late" He says hurriedly

"I'm not head girl" I say quietly, His disbelieving glare seems to go right through me. "Get out" I can barely hear myself.

Potter turns to me one last time "What the hell happened to you Evans" He seems irked, maybe he's finally beginning to get the picture, to leave me be. He walks out then slams the door, very mature. Being Head Girl seemed like such an enigma. Its what i worked for all my years through Hogwarts for. Everyone seemed to know I would get it, The thought alone was something I prided myself on, and to prove to all the purebloods who said I couldn't. Dumbledore came to see me at the end of summer and told me If I wanted it, he would gladly give me the Head's position. After giving it some thought I decided someone else deserves it, someone who will be able to live through the year and give the job 110.

The Trains beginning to pull to a stop, it's a beautiful afternoon, I can see Hagrid outside ready to round of the first years. Jenny comes back in as I begin to stand, YES I think I'm beginning to feel a bit better, excitement is rushing over me with the thought of tonight's feast. Jenny comes over to me and gives me a hug, I give her the biggest smile I can muster, Its good seeing her again, Its funny how long one summer can feel. She handed me my miniature trunk she transfigured for me to put in my pocket. Transfiguration was always my worst subject. Jenny and I link elbows and walk out onto the platform up towards the carriages. It's good to be home, during times like this everything just feels ok, even if only for a moment. I look around taking in everything, the beauty, serene, it really is magic. If only magic could save me. As a kid i never imagined being the one who would need to be saved. I was always there slaying the imaginary dragons, and protecting the doomed towns. I never thought I'd be here standing 17 years old waiting for a death possible at any moment, knowing there's nothing I can do. I wish they knew a cure, more then anything in the world I wish so hard! From now on I'm taking a vow, Nothing will get me down, life's to short to fret on the things that cant happen. Tearing my eyes away from the castle looming overhead I turn to Jenny. "Jen we have to make this the BEST year ever" It feels good to relax and just smile.

o.m.g she is starting to jump, haha she looks like a complete maniac "LILS I COMPLETELY agree, I'm so happy your starting to feel better mwahahahahaha I've decided its time the marauders get a taste of their own medicine, I'm sorry you couldn't come over this summer to begin working on some plans, but i came up with some of my own we can go over in a few days when you TOTALLY all better. Believe me some of these need our undivided attention to pull off" I laugh, Most of the time it's impossible not to when were together, most people at school think were crazy. Sometimes it just better that way.

A.N. - PLEASE REVIEW, this is my first ff story i could use some advice. I started this of think I'd write like a really intense story but when i began writing i really wanted to add some humor but Im not sure how well that mixed and whether i should lean it towards one way other the other. Also i wrote it in present tense, do u think i should switch it? please review thanks.


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